Climate Change

Breaking News: Humans Cause Global Warming

humans cause global warming
Humans are responsible for global warming.
Image: Shutterstock

Do you have any idea what actually causes global warming?  In a shocking, yes, SHOCKING turn of events, a panel discovers that it’s almost probably us.  What?  Humans are causing global warming??? Alert the media!

What’s that?  You say you already knew that?  Well…uh…oh. It’s not news at all?  Hmm.

In what should really be an article in the satirical newspaper The Onion, “an international panel of scientists has found with near certainty that human activity is the cause of most of the temperature increases of recent decades, and warns that sea levels could conceivably rise by more than three feet by the end of the century if emissions continue at a runaway pace.”

If this seems completely obvious to the entire free world, then you’re normal.  If this is a shock to you, what rock do you live under?  It seems crazy to even report this as if it’s something new.  Also, the fact that it took an “international panel” to figure it out also seems like a colossal waste of money and resources.

How about putting more money into figuring out solutions rather than determining, again, that we’re the cause?  We drive cars.  We spray our hair with aerosol hair spray.  We burn fossil fuels.  We do a lot of stupid things that are bad for the environment.  Let’s see…we cut down entire forests to build more houses.  Of course we are the cause.  You don’t see any deer or raccoons doing any of these things.

Yet, the scientists reported their findings in a draft summary of the next big United Nations climate report.

“The report emphasizes that the basic facts about future climate change are more established than ever, justifying the rise in global concern. It also reiterates that the consequences of escalating emissions are likely to be profound.”

So, they’re saying that what we already know is true.  Oh, and, yes, climate change is actually a big deal.

With more shocking evidence that humans may be the cause, “The level of carbon dioxide, the main greenhouse gas, is up 41 percent since the Industrial Revolution, and if present trends continue it could double in a matter of decades.”

As I recall, humans were the instigators and perpetrators of the Industrial Revolution.  I so don’t remember a single squirrel on an assembly line, although I wish I had because…how cute would that be?

Well, international scientists, good job in putting all those difficult puzzle pieces together.

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